BatCrack
by chibiaddict
Summary: Want to read a fic that's just for the lulz and the smut? Well, here it is! M for lotz and lotz of reasons. Seriously, don't read if you can't take a joke and if you're under 18.
1. Brokebat Mountain

**Yeah, this is based off Apples to Apples by Lascaux on deviantart and some 4chan stuff. xD**

**It's all srs bizness at first, but gets all cracktastic towards the middle-ish. .;**

**JokerxBatman pairing in this. But Joker flirts with everyone in this because he's such a dirty boy.  
**

**And umm...no OOCs in this. Goddamn, hate those stories.**

* * *

The Joker dragged Batman's limp body into his apartment, throwing him into the darkness before flipping the light switch. Batman struggled in the ropes as he tried to speak through the duct tape around his mouth, but only ended up making muffled noises. The Joker smirked as he walked towards his old foe, grasping a knife at his side.

The clown prince reached out and yanked the tape off Batman's mouth, causing a grunt from the sting of pain, which proceeded with the Joker's laughter.

"It's about time you see my lovely abode," the clown said as he held his arm out to his side, presenting the surprisingly normal apartment.

Batman glared at his enemy, blocking out his casual talk. "Why are we still doing this after all these years? Why don't you just stay in Arkham and deal with life in _there_?"

"Ohh, Batsy, Batsy, Batsy." He chuckled. "Denial doesn't necessarily translate to ignorance being bliss. In fact, it is _you_ who should deal with life with _me._" The mad clown laced his fingers together and put them close to his heart, mocking sappy romantic gestures.

Batman's face was all but romantic at the moment. "We can't fight like this forever, Joker. This has already been going on for _years. _If neither of us is going to give in, then the only way might be a fight for life." He grimaced. "And I hate resorting to that…"

Another laugh escaped the Joker's mouth despite the seriousness in Bruce's voice. "Aw, come on, Bats. I know you're not enjoying our little run-around, unlike me. But I will never stop, and you're too self-righteous to end it yourself."

He laughed lower than usual, flipping the light switch to once again plunge the room into darkness. Bruce's breath suddenly grew short in a slight state of panic, not knowing where the Joker was. He suddenly knew when he felt his hot breath close to his neck. The Joker slid his head from under Bruce's chin to lingering by his ear.

"…Maybe…I could end all this right now…" he threatened in whispers. Batman could feel the blade being pressed against his cheek.

The madman pressed deeper, causing Bruce to wince as the knife broke through his bare skin.

"Oopsies…" Joker teased through smiles. "Almost forgot what I promised before… I won't kill you."

He slowly moved his head to the bleeding wound, and then paused. "…You're too much fun to kill anyways..."

Much to Bruce's dislike, Joker began to lick the cut, starting at the bottom of the trail by his chin. Bruce tried to pull back in disgust but ended up falling back and bringing the Joker on top of him. Bruce had never felt so dazed in his life. He felt lips being pressed against his, a tongue trying to force its way into his mouth and a body straddling him. At one point, Bruce almost felt a slight pleasure since he became aware of tightening of his pants.

As the Joker hungrily went back to the wound and bit it for more blood, Bruce cried out and suddenly snapped back to reality and hate, feeling the madman lick his cheek once more.

_**Ring! Ring!**_ The phone rang to startle the two, as if on purpose. Joker paused in mid-lick and growled in rage, but then smirked and sat up. Bruce sighed as he thought the Joker would get off him to answer the phone, but he was really unzipping his pants.

"They can always just leave a message," Joker murmured, bending back down and slowly wrapping his arms around the caped crusader.

He let the ringing go straight through his ears as he nipped at the Dark Knight's ear and began to untie the ropes. Bruce had a small smile, ready to strike back when the ropes were loose enough. But much to his dismay, the Joker stopped frozen as the message was transmitted.

"Umm, yeah. Hey J-man! It's Scarecrow…I have a real emergency and I don't know who else to call than you. Very urgent, so call ASAP."

Bruce could feel the Joker tense up in anger as he glared at the phone. But once he turned his head back to him, he relaxed and cleared his throat. "I'll be just a minute…"

The Joker hesitantly got off and pulled his pants back up, feeling his way to the switch and turning the smallest light back on. Then he stomped over to the phone and dialed the Scarecrow's number.

"Hello?" spoke a clueless voice on the other line.

"_Dammit_, Scarecrow, what the _hell_ is so important that you have to fuck up my night right now?" he practically yelled.

Hearing the anger in his voice, Scarecrow paused before replying. "…Yeah, uh, I ran outta doobies…Heheh…You know, for the party tomorrow."

The Joker's anger quickly turned into happiness as an idea formed in his head. He spoke in a calmer tone this time. "You know…Let's have the party right now. Call up Harvey. I have an extra special guest tonight…"

"Who?"

"Kehehehe…" The Joker turned his head to face Batman in a sinister grin.

"Uhhh, alrighty then. But don't forget the joints," Scarecrow said and then hung up.

Joker walked back over to his equal, still smiling. "Looks like some inevitable force has hindered our love once again, my dear Dark Knight."

Bruce spat onto the floor in front of him. "You sick bastard."

Joker took his insult as more of a compliment, for he still grinned. "Want to proceed before the others arrive?" he asked in an almost-innocent tone.

"I'd rather not…" Bruce snapped as he turned his head, averting his gaze.

The clown shrugged. "True, the mood has well been lost by now." He sighed in sarcastic disappointment. "Maybe the party will make you feel more up to it." He cackled.

"Ugh…" Bruce rolled his eyes at the Joker's banter.

The clown prince skipped back over to him and sat, causing the other to huff. "Aw, come on, Bats. Don't be such a tight ass. This party's gonna be a _blast!_"

Batman shrunk back, thinking of all the horrible things that could occur during the 'party', considering what was just going on. The Joker noticed his expression and gently began to stroke the other's bloody cheek with the back of his hand.

"You know, Honeycakes…" he said as he swung his leg around to straddle Bruce's waist. "…I think I might get to finally see you smile tonight." He smirked and lowered himself so that his face was hovering a mere inch away from Bruce's.

To retaliate, Bruce glared hard and long into the Joker's eyes, trying a feeble act of intimidation. "How can I possibly smile with you near me?"

"I have ways. Now come on. Let's put a smile on that face," The Joker said in a low tone. He chuckled and suddenly lurched forward, ramming his lips onto his once more. This time, Bruce was caught off guard by the sudden attack and was intruded by the madman's tongue. And trying to struggle away just made Joker arch his hips closer to his, making things much more uncomfortable for the hero.

The kiss grew more intense as the seconds passed, even with Bruce trying to fight it. The Joker slid his hand up to hold Batman's cheek, caressing the wound. When Bruce slightly softened, the Joker took that moment of weakness to pull out a knife. He silently brought it up to his other cheek and—

**Ding Dong!!**

The sudden interruption caused Joker to quickly jump off Batman with a fear of getting caught. He awkwardly staggered to the front door, straightening up his clothes as he did so.

"Heyyy Joke-ster!" Scarecrow said happily as he gave his friend a man-hug. He looked at him from head to toe with his puffy red eyes. "Uhh…hey. Why are you all sweaty and nervous? It's a party! Relax, J-man! " He gave him a big slap on the back as he walked inside.

Then Scarecrow saw the tied up bat in the middle of the hallway, glaring at him. "Ohhh this is that _special guest_ you were talkin' about. Light up the doobies and pop him in tha oven, and we'll have the time of our lives!" He laughed as he took out a lighter. "You do have the stuff, right? That's why I came the earliest, ya know."

The Joker sighed. "Yeah, yeah. In my room, where I always keep 'em," he said in a monotone as he pointed at the end of the hallway to his room.

"Woo thanks!" Scarecrow exclaimed as he ran immediately to the room.

He came back out moments later, his mask off and already smoking a joint. He was stuffing as many bundles as he could into his carry-on bag.

"Thanks," Crane said appreciatively as he walked over to the Joker and gave him a slap on the back. "So what should we do to the bat?"

They looked down at the caped crusader, who just glared silent daggers into them.

"Let's just wait until Harvey comes, then we'll begin the fun…" Joker smirked and slipped a quick wink to the bat.

Bruce growled and was about to say something, but the ring of the doorbell stopped him conveniently.

"Ahhh, looks like chance is on our side tonight…" the Joker stated, cackling as he answered the door.

"Guess who ordered pizza!!!!" Harvey exclaimed in an unusually high voice.

He held the warm box of pizza and walked into the apartment, placing it onto the counter.

"That'll taste great with some Mary Jane!" Crane commented as he put his bag of joints next to the pizza.

Harvey scanned around the room, doing a double-take as he saw the bound, shadowed figure sprawled on the floor. A smile slowly creased the edge of his normal half of his face.

"Damn, who put the dog back on the leash?"

"I did!" beamed the Joker. "And now he's our little puppy…" He moistened the sides of his lips hungrily, already wanting to play with his pet.

"I am _not_ your sick pet, Joker!" Batman growled through gritted teeth, the abuse that the madman did to him still very fresh in his mind.

"We'll see about that…" The psychopath mumbled under his breath so that only he could hear his words. Then he turned to his friends and said aloud, "So what should we do with little Batsy?"

"Hmm…" Harvey thought for a good plan, and being the person that ran for Gotham District Attorney, he was basically the one with the logic brains of the group, besides the Joker, but he was too crazy to come up with something logical.

Harvey was about to suggest something when Dr. Crane suddenly burst out, "Let's have a movie night!!!"

Everyone looked at Crane with a puzzled look. Except for the Joker, who's fucked up imagination took a hold of his thoughts.

"That's actually not a bad idea!" Joker agreed and patted the back of his high friend. "But what movie?"

"Little Miss Sunshine!" yelled Crane.

Harvey hesitated before answering, but did nonetheless. "Hunchback of Notre Dame…"

"Waaa!! I'm ugly! Boo hoo! Jeez, Harvey, move on!" the clown commented. He then turned to the shadowed figure tied on the floor. "What about you, Batsy?"

"I'm not watching anything with you lunatics!" he spat.

"Ah, ah, ah! We don't want anymore _situations_ happening tonight in my room, now don't we?" the Joker chided, smirking.

"…Die Hard," Batman said simply.

"Okay, so we should have a democratic vote," suggested Harvey.

Suddenly Crane raised his arms and flopped them around, yelling out, "ZOMG BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!!!"

The Joker grinned in such a big smile, that no one could even tell of his Glasgow smile at the moment. "I was about to say that! And since I am the host of this party, I demand that we all watch it!"

"What? That's dictatorship, not democracy!" Batman grumbled.

Harvey glared at the clown, momentarily taking sides with his old friend by nodding.

"Oh, I see Mr. Two-Face just takes whatever side the situation wants him to be. Well then…_that_ shouldn't be too hard to persuade." The psychopath slowly pulled out a gun from his side pocket, aiming it at the half-burned man. Then he shifted his aim towards Batman, then to Crane.

"Now if _anyone_ has a problem with Brokeback Mountain, I'm gonna make sure that problem will never come out of you again._ Never_." He enunciated the last word with such a threatening whisper, that the air in the room grew tensely silent.

Crane, being the only one who wasn't frightened, took a few wobbly steps towards the crazy comrade, wrapping an arm around his stiffened shoulder. "Aw, come on, J-man. Why so serious?" he quoted against him, making the Joker boil even more. "We know how much you love this movie, so we're gonna enjoy it too. _Just for you…_" He whispered the last sentence into the clown's ear, the stench of marijuana extremely potent.

The Joker couldn't tell if Crane was insulting him, supporting him, flirting with him, or even flat out just babbling shit. So the Joker just threw his words aside. Besides, he's the one with the gun. He still aimed at the three men, grinning insanely as he giggled.

"Now, sit on the couch so I can cook the popcorn. Harvey, you can set up the movie. It's on the stack next to my bookshelf. I'm sure you can find it," the Joker said in a bitchy tone, as if he was a spoiled girl having a slumber party.

And with that, he sauntered into the kitchen, disappearing from the others' view. Harvey grumbled as he clenched his fists, reluctantly walking towards the bookshelf while cursing under his breath. Batman scowled as he was being dragged to the couch by Crane, who was gawking at the hovering chicken legs around him. After getting the movie set up, Harvey sighed and plopped onto the couch next to Crane. Approximately ten minutes later, they still sat there rotting, waiting for the crazy clown.

"What the hell is taking him so long? Popcorn doesn't take 20 minutes to cook!" Batman barked, his patience completely gone.

Harvey shook as he glowered at the TV screen while it played the main menu sequence for the umpteenth time. "Dammit, Joker! What are you doing in there?!"

When no reply came, Crane got up and walked into the kitchen. Still only silence, that is until Crane came back, alone except for a full plastic bag of weed.

"Oh, hey guys. Want some dope for the movie?"

"Where the hell is the Joker, you high piece of shit!?" Harvey Dent practically yelled.

"Well, excuse me, Princess!" Crane said and collapsed back onto his spot on the couch, taking out a lighter. "He's not in there."

"What? You didn't even look around, did you? You're probably too fucking high to even know where to go except how to find the crack," Harvey ranted to take out some of his rage.

"Stop trying to blame others for actions that we can't control," Batman preached calmly. "I'm sure he wouldn't just leave us here…" The thoughts of the Joker and his obsession with him convinced him to truly think so.

"Miss me?" a low voice said from their left. Everyone whirled their heads to turn towards the man they've been waiting for. He wore a silken red nightdress that came down dangerously close to a sensitive area, revealing his surprisingly well-shaped legs. Everyone gawked at his look, paying more attention to the outfit than to the warm pizza and beer he carried.

Batman was the first to snap out of the trance, feeling completely degraded and disgusted. "What the hell are you doing?"

The Joker smirked and sauntered over to the couch, swaying his hips as he did so. He slowly put the things down onto the coffee table and sat in-between Batman and Crane.

"Did you miss me, Batsy?" the clown prince cooed as he cuddled close to the caped crusader.

Batman scoffed, not amused. "Not one bit."

"Aw, I'm hurt. We're going to have to teach you some compassion tonight," Joker said as he picked up the remote and started the movie.

"I already have compassion. But for the well-being of the innocent. For justice. Not people like _you_."

"Well then what about me?" Crane intervened, smiling a goofy grin as he took another drag.

Batman just glared at the two crazy men. This was probably the worst place Bruce Wayne would end up to be in. Being cuddled by an arch-nemesis and forced to watch a gay romance movie by itself was more torture than anything hell could provide.

"Jeez, Joker. I thought you were kidding when you said all those things about the ol' bat and you," Harvey commented as he looked over at the two in an embrace together, stifling a laugh. He then leaned over and grabbed a slice of the pepperoni pizza. "I think it's great that you finally got out of that faggy closet and announced your gayness to the world." The half-burned man insulted jokingly.

The clown paused his cuddling, much to Bruce's relief. "What's wrong with being attracted to the same sex? Do we have to go into a debate here, or can we just watch the goddamned movie?" Joker snapped.

"Yeah, now you're just being intolerant, Harv." Crane sighed as he finished his joint and swiped a bottle of beer off the table, popping the lid. "I thought you always wanted things to be _fair_," he said with a heavily scented breath.

"You know, he's actually still pretty smart even when he's high," Batman commented, leaning away from the Joker just in case he would randomly tackle him in a hug again. "But still, why are you acting so gay all of a sudden, Joker?"

"Well I've been running out of ways of torture. Well…Not really. But I'd do anything just to get you riled up. You make my life meaningful, Cupcake." The Joker confessed simply as he rested his head on Batman's chest.

Bruce grumbled obscenities under his breath, trying to focus on the movie. And apparently two cowboys are gay because they were kissing. _'How predictable…'_ Bruce rolled his eyes at how surprisingly conventional the movie was for the Joker to pick. Well…not really, considering his random mood swings. _'…Maybe…He's a girl that just got a sex change...Or a just a hermaphrodite…Or just plain gay and crazy.'_

Trying to think of a logical explanation for Joker's behavior just made Bruce's head hurt. And thinking of that topic while watching two cowboys making love didn't help either. He stared at the corner of the living room, attempting to find something to amuse his brain.

"What's the matter, Bats? Don't like the movie?" Joker cooed as he snuggled up against Batman's chest. "Would you rather do something else?"

A sudden image of the Joker on top of Bruce sent shivers down his spine.

"I'd rather go home," he stated, starting to feel light-headed and sick.

The Joker smirked at Batman's misery. "Oh, no. You're going to have to play the game with us if you want to leave."

The other two glanced over and snickered.

"And what would that 'game' be?" Bruce questioned, eying Joker suspiciously.

The clown prince fell back into the couch in laughter. "Why, you're already playing! Just relax and have a nice, legitimate night of fun. Then tomorrow you can leave."

Bruce narrowed his eyes his eyes at the deranged schizophrenic, knowing well that it was never that simple with him. Joker sensed his suspicion and wrapped a bare arm around his shoulder.

"Aww no need for disbelief. I promise you'll be able to go back home tomorrow," he said in a faulty nice tone. Then he added in a whisper, "And you can even beat me up before you go."

"I'm sure you'd like that…" Batman sighed deeply and grimaced. He would've been rubbing his temples if his hands weren't tied together so tightly.

Joker grinned at Batman's misery, forcing deep, heavy breaths into Bruce's ear in an attempt of seduction. He started to rub against him, making him very stiff.

"You know, if you don't like the movie, we can just go to my room for some…more satisfying entertainment."

Bruce glared at him in disgust, knowing full well what the Joker had in mind. "I don't think that would be satisfying for _me._"

The clown prince of crime threw his head back in a fit of laughter once again. "You'll never know until you try!"

"No. I _know_, okay? So I'm _not _doing it."

The Joker put a hand on his hip and wagged the index finger of his other hand. "Don't take that tone of voice with me, young man! If it's a beatin' you're a wantin', then to my room you go!"

Joker stood up and grabbed Batman by the cape, yanking him off the couch.

"WHAT?" Bruce was having a panic attack inside, and it was showing on his face as well.

As Batman was being dragged through the carpet towards the Joker's room, the other two waved a pleasant good-bye.

"Sayonara!" Crane called out, although his gaze was glazed and slightly cross-eyed.

"Don't spit it out, Batman! He'll cut you for that!" Harvey hollered and sneered.

Batman gave the two a nasty glare until he was pulled entirely into the dark room, door slamming shut behind him. Now the only sound was their breathing, and Bruce's was getting heavier by the second with nervousness. His eyes had to adjust to the light, and he couldn't tell where Joker was at the moment. That is, until he felt hands gripping the ropes from behind him.

The Joker whispered into Batman's ear from behind, "Now, if you continue to play the game with me, I'll loosen these pesky little ropes, and you can be on your way home. But if you don't, well I guess I might just break my little promise. Capice?"

Batman didn't answer, for he didn't want to play or risk dying like this.

The Joker sighed. "I'll just take that as a 'yes'. Now…" He snaked his arms from Bruce's back to his abdomen, feeling his abs as he purred and rubbed against him.

"…As a part of the game…you have to fuck me…hard…" the clown spoke in between ragged breaths. "…But only if you _promise_ to do so…I'll untie you."

"W-What?" Bruce practically yelped.

The Joker smirked. "You heard correctly…" He slipped his fingers dangerously below Batman's belt, stroking and teasing. "This is quite a predicament you're in, Batsy…What's it gonna be?"

Bruce couldn't help but get aroused by this now. Being touched in the right and wrong places was causing him to feel uncomfortable though. For the first time, the Harvard billionaire, Bruce Wayne, was conflicted on what his next move will be. Sure, he had to solve many problems in Gotham before, but this was so…bizarre that he couldn't think.

"Can I…Do I…How long?" he managed to sputter.

The Joker removed one of his hands from Bruce's tender spot and placed his hand on his chin, pondering. "Hmm…Let's see…_the_ _whole night_."

* * *

**DO IT BATMAN!!!**

**& no, I won't give you my cocaine!! I mean...REVIEWPLZ!!  
**


	2. The Twilight Knight

**Think of this as a late holiday gift or something. xP**

**& By the way, if anyone has any suggestions on future chapters, I'm gladly taking ideas!**

**The randomness is appreciated.  
**

* * *

A long silence filled the room as Bruce thought this through, trying to find a loophole out of this situation. But the more he thought, the more he panicked, adding to the thick air of tension between him and the Joker.

"Well…while you're getting your mind ready for a good fucking, I'll just take this out of our way!" the mad clown exclaimed giddily as he unbuckled Batman's utility belt, rendering him weak.

Now it was just Bruce in a bat costume. Having no access to weapons and being tied up securely, he was helpless and had no choice but to do the Joker's sick bidding. And the Joker knew this. He snickered in the dark, still cuddling Bruce from behind.

"What's it gonna be, _Bat_sy?" he egged on, clicking his tongue as a habit. "You know… to relieve your anxiety, I'm gonna tell a little story. A story you never let me tell the last time we saw each other…How I got my scars."

Batman shrunk back at the thought, knowing that no matter how the story went, the ending would be bad for him. But he was left with no choice but to sigh and agree to listen.

The Joker smiled and began his tale, giddily. "Well…ya see when I was younger, I had an uncle…And he was a very abusive uncle. He liked it when I sucked his cock every other night. Of course I grew to like it despite how _wrong_ it seems…" He slowly crept down lower to Batman's crotch. "Maybe…you'll grow to like it too…" The Joker started to pull away at Batman's armor.

Bruce squirmed on the floor and began to kick, but the Joker held onto his legs by wrapping around them with his own, like some Mexican wrestling move. As the madman started to pull away at the black pants underneath the armor, Bruce bit his lower lip, trying to find a desperate way out of it.

"But you never explained the scars part!" he finally managed to blurt out after a second's thought.

The Joker paused, looking up at him and smiling. Bruce's eyes had adjusted to the lack of light, so he could clearly see the hideous Glasgow smile upon his face.

"Well…" The Joker pulled down Bruce's pants to the knees along with his underwear, exposing Bruce despite his…lack of…effort. "My uncle gave me these scars…so my mouth can be wider for these purposes…"

With that, the Joker grasped Batman's erection, causing Batman to wince in both pleasure and pain. Bruce closed his eyes repeating to himself that it was a hot girl doing this to him. But the Joker just couldn't be unseen. The clown prince slowly leaned forward and ran his tongue along the length, painfully slow. Bruce kicked out, nailing Joker in the gut, which caused the now irritated clown to pull back.

"Oh, Batsy. Even now you still try to defend yourself. I have to admit, I admire that about you. But you just have to let me show you that admiration…" He whispered dangerously low as he pushed Batman with full force to the ground, causing Batman's headache to worsen.

The Joker practically pounced on top of the Batman, licking his lips as he seductively crawled up to the other's face. "Why don't we just take this off…" The Joker whispered as he gently trailed his fingertips up to Batman's mask, and then grasped the bat ears.

"Don't!" Batman growled, squirming more than before.

The Joker was enjoying the struggle, pinning him down and straddling him. Bruce on the other hand, was not enjoying any second of this. He glared up at the Joker, staring into his dark orbs that still had a glint of evil. The Joker was grinning down upon him, finally overpowering his rival in every way. Both men's hearts were beating at the same, fast rate, but for different reasons.

Finally, Batman sighed in defeat. "I…If I do this…you _promise_ to let me return home safe, alive, and unharmed besides the mental scarring?"

The Joker smirked at his adversary's plea. "But of course, Honeycakes. You fuck me, you go home."

* * *

"Dammit…the movie's over!" Crane exclaimed angrily as he downed his last beer.

"What, like you actually enjoyed that?" Harvey said as he yawned, half asleep in the armchair.

"Anything with Heath Ledger is an automatic win. Even if Twilight had Heath, I'd worship it."

"Twilight?" Harvey snorted. "I'd murder Heath before he gets the chance to star in that shitfest."

"Now, now. Don't make Heathus angry," Crane scolded, wagging his index finger at Harvey. "You don't want him to screw up the other half of your face too, don'tcha?"

Harvey cringed at the thought, then took out his lucky coin. "Heads, we change subjects. Tails we make more Twilight jokes."

He flipped the coin, letting it land in his palm. Heads.

Crane yawned in boredom. "Okay, so what do we do now? Is J-man done getting that mask off in there?"

Harvey glanced over to the closed door, hearing some shifting around and grunting. "I think he's gonna be in there for awhile." He snickered. "What other movies can we watch here?"

Harvey stood up and wobbled over to the DVD shelf, skimming through the different movies. "Hmm…Ah! American Psycho! Love that movie!"

"Sweet, it's one of my favorites, too!" Crane exclaimed, clapping his hands eagerly. "Put it on, you silly fag!"

"Will do!" Harvey exclaimed as he inserted the movie into the DVD player.

Once the film began, the two relaxed on the couch and smoked a joint together. Continuous thuds and growls were heard from the other room.

* * *

Untied, Bruce was now able to fight back. And yet, he was the one that wasn't moving. Joker was the one wrestling him in the bed, playing around and teasing the man. He scratched at the Kevlar that protected Batman, pulling at the sides as he tried to expose him. Batman grabbed at the Joker's scratching arms, keeping them away.

"Keep the armor on," Batman growled, still feeling immensely awkward.

"But you're not keeping your promiiiise!" the Joker mused, enjoying himself. "Come on, just slip into sweet insanity for one night. Then it'll all be over before you know it."

Bruce closed his eyes and inhaled deeply before exhaling in a long sigh under his mask, shutting his eyes as he fought the conflict within himself. "Alright!" he blurted out. _I'll just close my eyes the entire time and imagine a girl in his place,_ he thought, trying to find a side benefit. _I could still do this while hanging on to sanity,_ he told himself repeatedly as he took another deep breath.

Without word, he slowly began to remove the Kevlar below his waist, the Joker enjoying every sweet second of it. Bruce then extended his arms out shakily, holding the Joker as he forced himself to plant his lips on his neck. The madman moaned in pleasure, wrapping his own arms around Batman's and kissing him back with intensity. There was no pattern, no rhythm in their kiss, just a scramble of hunger being satisfied in bliss. Their arms scratched at each other, tearing off the clothing holding them back. Before Bruce even realized it, his mask was off, leaving him feel more than just naked. But that feeling was brushed aside with the Joker's sweet kiss; it was too dark in the room to see clearly anyways.

Bruce leaned in more, causing them both to fall onto the floor. The fall knocked both men's breath out, leaving them panting naked together. Bruce stood up, blushing in denial of this whole predicament, but still going ahead with the Joker's bidding. "Alright, we're gonna do this like the gay cowboys in Brokeback Mountain, baby."

"Now that's what I'm talkin' about…" the Joker growled, positioning himself on the edge of the bed.

Bruce smirked as he placed his hands onto the Joker's tender ass, then shoving his swelling dick into it. The madman winced upon entry, but let him continue to thrust into him anyways. Bruce thrusted fast and hard, not caring for Joker's protection. He wanted to fuck him all the way to hell, and damn it felt so good.

"Uhn…Don't…stop…" Joker panted, his eyes half closed in pleasure.

Bruce happily obeyed, going even faster to both their delights. As the Joker moaned in satisfaction, Bruce couldn't help but feel a sense of victory. The Joker was completely vulnerable and Bruce was overpowering him. He could stop any second to get his belt back and beat the clown up. But this sort of situation was rare and unique, never happening before in his life. It was somehow mesmerizing to have the clown prince of crime begging for an orgasm underneath him. Bruce wanted to experience the full extent of this kind of power, so he thrusted full speed. He was so close to coming; the Joker's panting and moaning growing louder.

Suddenly, the door burst open and light poured into the room, revealing the two men. Crane stood at the doorway, his grip still on the doorknob as he stared speechless at the two. Bruce and Joker were petrified, still in their positions and bare for the world to see.

Crane just shrugged it off and spoke casually. "We just watched American Psycho and now we're bored. Can I and Harvey join in?"

Bruce and Joker slid under the blanket to cover themselves, awkwardly staring in opposite directions. "No! Get out or you'll take a drug trip to hell!" Joker bellowed in anger.

Harvey slowly peeked through the side. "Hey, what's going on—OH MAI GAWD JOKUR JUST GOT FUCKED BY BILLIONAIRE BRUCE WAYNE???"

Joker looked confused at Harvey at first, but then jerked his head to Bruce. His eyes glimmered in realization. "Wow, I did!" he squealed with a smile.

_Shit_. Bruce face-palmed himself as his cheeks were tainted red. The Joker just cuddled up to his arm, feeling the muscle. "I can't wait to tell Pengy. Mind if I keep the mask as proof? Or how about a quick picture? " He looked up at Bruce with an innocent smile, or as close to innocent as he could get.

"No!" Bruce's temper was back and with tenfold the power after being so mortified. "I played your stupid game, now you have to let me go home!" he yelled.

The Joker shrugged as if it was a careless task. "Alright, you did your part. Now I have to do mine by putting my clothes back on." He laughed and sprung out of the bed, picking up pieces of clothing as if it were an Easter egg hunt.

Harvey and Crane just stared at each other in WTFness, and then began to walk out of the room. "We'll just finish off that beer…" Harvey called out.

The Joker threw all of Batman's armor back at Bruce, except for the utility belt. Then he began to friskily shove his own clothes back on. "Do you treat the ladies like you treat me?" he purred.

"Shut up," Batman growled grimly, putting on his armor. Everything had fallen apart in one quick night. Things came as quickly as a slap in the face. The clown prince was giggling to himself in the corner, already thinking of all the things he could do now that he knew Batman's true identity. Bruce felt sick to the stomach as he finished putting the last piece of kevlar in place. Without word, he strode towards the Joker and punched him in the jaw with a fit of rage, causing the clown to fall over and drop the belt. As the Joker just lay there, laughing even harder, Bruce quickly swiped up the belt and stepped out of the room.

He walked passed the two men babbling about nonsense and into the outside world. He already felt ashamed, as if the world somehow knew already what he did. Batman sighed deeply as he put his belt back on, then pressed the contact button by his ear.

"Alfred," Bruce said in a raspy voice.

"Yes, Master Bruce? Is everything alright, you sound as if you've just been beaten to hell and back," the butler's concerned voice echoed into Batman's ear through the transmitter.

"I…I'll talk about it later. Just target my location and save it. Send over the Batmobile too."

"Right away, Sir." Once the sentence was finished, the transmission ended as Alfred left to do Bruce's command.

Bruce sighed deeply as his headache worsened, not even bothering to imagine how Alfred would react if he told him about what just happened. But he would have to tell him eventually. He has known Alfred all his life and knew that he would never let it down until Bruce gave in and told him.

Batman's gloved hand curled into a hard fist, swearing under his breath at Joker. He would go back into the apartment to beat the shit out of him and his friends, but he reluctantly restrained himself. Just seeing any of those men would make Bruce relive the awkwardness and tension in his mind again. He just needed to stay away from them unless it was absolutely necessary.

The Batmobile's engine was heard from the right, then screeching to a halt directly in front of Bruce. He climbed in, driving faster than usual. He would've crashed if the Batmobile didn't have a navigation system of the whole city. As soon as he got to the hideout, he threw his mask and armor to the floor as if it was all worthless now. He stormed over to the shower and took a nice long one, trying to wash away the memories of that night. But no amount of hot water and soap could cleanse the dirt that Joker rubbed off onto him.

Bruce exhaled deeply as he grimly looked at himself in the mirror. It was like he wasn't even staring back at himself. He frowned and turned away, throwing on some loose-fitting clothes and walking back to the main room.

There, he found Alfred standing there. He didn't know how long he had been waiting, but at the moment, it didn't really matter to him.

"Joker, Dent, and Crane are still missing, Bruce," Alfred spoke softly despite the obvious grim situation.

"I know…" Bruce rasped as he slumped into his chair, shutting off the monitors.

"Well, you'll get them eventually, Sir. They always seem to be led straight to you," the butler said, suspicion on the edge of his voice.

Bruce sighed as he closed his eyes, trying to get rid of the headache engulfing his mind.

"Why don't you throw a party? It'll get your mind off the rape…" Alfred suddenly blurted.

"Maybe I will…" Bruce thought it over in his head. "Wait, _what?_"

"Oh, you know what I mean, Master Bruce."

Nothing was more awkward than that moment. They stared at each other in tensed up silence, saying nothing more.

"How did you…Who…" Bruce spluttered, not getting the right words out.

Alfred sighed. "Joker called. Told me right after you contacted me. So I take it he knows who you are now?"

"Y-Yes…Ugh, how could I have been so stupid, Alfred?" He shook his head in disapproval of himself.

"I don't know. Maybe you got it from your parents."

"MY PARENTZ ARE DEAAADDD!!!" Bruce yelled, tears spilling out.

"Sorry, but you deserve the pain for being that dumb…Anyways, I'll go call some guests for the party," Alfred sighed before leaving the room.

* * *

**Alfred is a douche in this. xD Sorry, but he has to let out a little steam every once in awhile.**

**& Don't blame Bruce's parents for Batman's actions, blame Penguin. Yes. Blame him.  
**


	3. Party at Batman's!

**I'm really supposed to be studying for finals...but instead I give you this new chapter! :D**

**Happy OMGI'MSCREWED Day!  
**

* * *

"Sir, you really need to calm down and relax. This is why I threw this party in the first place," Alfred sighed as he rested a hand on Bruce's shoulder to stop him from pacing.

Bruce looked around nervously in his tuxedo, the guests giving him weird looks as they whispered to each other. "How am I supposed to relax? The Joker, Harvey, _and_ Crane know who I am now. And you make me throw a fucking _party?_ Alfred, this is just asking for some butt rape."

Alfred chuckled and leaned in to whisper in Bruce's ear, "You're saying that as if it's a bad thing." He laughed and patted Bruce's shoulder before walking off into the bustling crowd.

Bruce gave his butler the most bewildered and appalled look he had ever given. Great. Now even his own butler was setting him up from some gay sex. He would have to remember to pay that man his revenge later.

The billionaire gazed around the room at all the guests, saying hi to some flirty women nearby. It was nearly 3 hours into the party and no sign of trouble. Maybe Joker thought this bait was just too easy and decided to just wait until some other time. Bruce took in a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders, walking briskly to the bar and grabbing a beer to help ease the anxiety. He took a huge swig, feeling the alcohol slither down his esophagus coldly. He was exhausted from the pressure of reluctant preparation and waiting. His mind was never taken away from last week's dilemma at Joker's apartment, the pain still scarred into his brain, leaving a permanent wound.

Bruce's hands gripped the glass to the point of breaking as anger resurfaced. But he was suddenly intervened from acting upon it when he heard screams from the section near the elevator. He jerked his head in that direction, witnessing two familiar men with peculiar guns that emitted a gaseous substance. Harvey and Crane. And this time, not drunk. They aimed their guns at everyone, intimidating the party guests.

"Where's Bruce Wayne?" Harvey yelled out with a smirk.

Bruce started to run off into the direction of his panic room, but froze once he heard Crane's voice yell, "Oh, why there he is! Get over here, Bruce, or we'll spread this Joker gas around the whole joint! …heheh…joint."

Bruce felt everyone's frightened eyes on him, dependent on his next move. He turned around to face the two, calling back, "What do you want?"

"We just wanna have some fun. Let us join this little shindig or we'll gas 'em!" Crane hollered.

Bruce looked at his guests as if to ask for their opinion, noticing that most gave him a stern look and shook their heads. But just one quick suit up and Batman could pummel these two into a pulp. They wouldn't be too much to handle. It was the Joker that worried Bruce. But he was in no sight at the moment.

"…Alright. Just as long as you don't terrorize the guests," Bruce answered back. The people looked at him in shock, whispering things like 'Is he crazy?' and 'They're going to murder us!' Most guests just quickly left right on the spot, hurrying to the elevator. Less people to worry about. At least Harvey and Crane helped with that. Plus, it slightly relieved Bruce's anxiety.

Harvey tried to walk over to a group of ladies to flirt, but they were quick to scurry away, disgusted at the burnt half of his face. Two-Face made a sad face as he took out an eyedropper to pour practically the whole thing over his bad eye. Bruce was unsure of whether to laugh or feel bad. He turned his head to Crane, who was smoking up a storm at the bar.

Bruce suddenly felt a sharp nudge. He whirled around, immediately getting into Batman character and growling, "Joker!"

A man with a lady clinging to his arm stared at Bruce with an awkward frown. "Thanks for the party, Wayne. We'll be sure to visit again," he spoke with obvious sarcasm in his tone. They quickly walked off, and Bruce heard the woman whisper, "What the hell is wrong with him? That Wayne is a complete freak."

This made the night feel even worse for the billionaire. He sighed deeply as he began to walk off into a narrow hallway. He paused for a quick check up on Harvey and Crane, but they were still just trying to enjoy themselves. Bruce stormed off to the stairs to his room, deciding that he didn't care if Harvey and Crane released the gas. The guests were assholes, and he could just beat the crap out of them later anyways.

As Bruce stepped into his bedroom, he heard splashing and the shower running from his bathroom. He sighed, a sick feeling curdling in his stomach as he thought about what he was about to witness. Bruce coughed loudly and knocked onto the wall of the doorframe to inform the person that he was there. But no reaction came. Bruce sighed deeply, rubbing his temples before stepping towards his shower. The steam hid the person occupying it, revealing only a silhouette. But the body structure and occasional grunts made it most likely to be a man on the other side.

Bruce knocked once more, but this time on the glass door itself, causing the person inside to flinch and turn his head. A hand was placed onto the glass and slid it open smoothly; the steam and drips of hot water making Bruce's irritated feelings lessen for a moment. But when it cleared up and the person was revealed, Bruce was all but calm.

"Why hello, Brucey! The water's fine. Care to join me?" spoke the all too familiar voice of the Joker.

But it didn't seem like Bruce was staring at the Joker at all. The scruffy green hair was replaced by tangled brown hair matted to the man's head and shoulders. His face looked almost normal if it wasn't for the scars protruding around his lips and the dark brown eyes that always had a glint of evil hidden in them. It was fascinating to Bruce to see the Joker in the most normal state as humanly possible. Bruce's observant gaze slid down the figure's light body like the shower's water droplets until he saw the erection staring back at him. Bruce immediately snapped out of his daze once he realized how hard he was himself, staggering back a bit as he stared back up at the Joker's smiling face.

"Thought you'd like to see me like this," the madman said proudly, shutting off the water. He slowly stepped out, not even bothering to notice the towel hanging on the rack to his left. He just kept staring coldly into Bruce's eyes as if it would show him the answers to every question in the world. Each step the Joker took closer, Bruce stepped ten feet back. Once Bruce was in his room, he quickly took a glance at the door, plotting a simple runaway solution. But the consequences of a naked Joker running after him in a full house were tremendous.

So he just decided to delay Joker's attacking position until he could find another way out. "…Why are you here, Joker?" he said in the low Batman voice. He was so used to talking like that to the Joker that it was just automatic now.

Joker stopped for a moment to laugh. "Why would I _not_ be here? Front page in the newspaper: _Bruce Wayne Throws Party of the Year on Saturday._ Honestly, Batsy, I thought you'd be smarter and wittier after I found you out. But you just became even more helpless than you were last week in my apartment." He paused for a gasp and moment of faked shock. "Un…Unless you _wanted_ this! Why, Batsy, I'm flattered. All this trouble just to have me in your room."

That threw Bruce off the edge, his temper causing him to lunge at the other man. They fell to the carpeted floor in a heap, causing a nearby lamp to shake. They scratched and clawed at each other, and it wasn't long before Bruce's tuxedo became quite loose in the struggle. Joker gazed up at the man pinning him to the floor, Bruce's previously gelled back hair now untidy and his clothing just waiting to be pulled off. Joker growled and rolled them over with sudden great force, now being the one overpowering the other.

"Sorry, I call tops tonight, Toots," Joker breathed into Bruce's ear, his lusty breath turning into nibbling teeth as his hands began to undo the billionaire's belt and zipper.

The more Bruce tried to struggle away, the more Jokers' smooth hands coaxed him into arousal. Bruce unwillingly let a moan escape his lips as the Joker tugged his erection free of his jeans. With a grunt, Joker pulled them both off the floor and shoved Bruce mercilessly against the edge of the bed. He threw off the rest of Bruce's clothes and pinned him down, leaning over his ear.

"That's better." He held tightly onto Bruce's wrists, holding him down and keeping him immobilized to his bidding.

By then, Bruce just sighed and gave up, eagerly wanting it in the back of his mind. He lay there, limp and at the Joker's mercy once more, but willingly ready to be taken this time. He was having a horrible day, and he wanted to fuck the bad feelings away. It didn't matter who he did it with at that moment, just as long as he could feel the sweet pleasure just for that night.

"Quiet now, are we? What's wrong Brucey? Did I make you a softie?" Joker purred in between breaths, slowly sliding into him.

Bruce groaned and arched back, feeling the blood pulsing into his cock as their bodies created friction. Knowing fully well that Bruce wasn't going to try to escape now, Joker released his hands, now slithering his own hands around Bruce's chest. He suddenly lurched forward to ram their lips together in a lust-filled kiss. Their tongues danced for dominance in each other's mouth, until Joker suddenly pulled back and lunged forward again, but this time attacking Bruce's neck. The pain mixed in with the pleasure was different, something only the Joker delivered. Bruce returned the favor by digging his nails into the Joker's back to pull him closer, which caused the madman to pause and gasp, tilting his head upwards as he stared at Bruce with a satisfactory grin.

"…S…See? You're…just like me…" Joker breathed, picking up the thrusting pace as a reward.

The faster rate made Bruce claw deeper into the Joker's skin, making Joker moan in pure pleasure. In one big thrust, Joker cried out as he came so hard, Bruce coming shortly afterwards.

They lay there, catching their breaths in each other's warmth. The rest of the night went on peacefully in fluffiness for the two as they were lulled into a deep sleep.

The next morning, Bruce was wakened calmly by the sunlight warming up his body. He slowly opened his eyes with a smile, but then saw the sleeping face directly in front of him. As soon as he saw the scars, flashes of the previous night added to the section of 'mentally scarring' in his brain.

"Shit, not again!" Bruce wept as he crept off the bed, careful not to wake the madman.

Once again, he shamefully went on a scavenger hunt for his clothing, though it was an expensive tux instead of the Bat armor. And now the whole shebang happened in his own room. It just seemed to be getting worse with every meeting.

"Where are we gonna do it _next_, Batty poo?" a groggy voice chirped back from the bed.

"NOWHERE!" Bruce bellowed angrily, covering his dick with the pieces of cloth.

"Ohhh sounds mystical! Let's go!" Joker teased, wanting to yank those clothes out of his hands so he could enjoy the view much more.

"STFU AND GTFO!!"

"What, sorry? I don't speak such nonsense," Joker egged on with a dumb grin plastered on his face. "Try _'sex me up'_. Those kinds of words can work wonders with me."

Bruce's short temper was well passed the boiling point by now, and he was ready to erupt. "Get _out_ or I'll fucking murder your ass!"

Joker casually looked around in contemplation. "Good try, but mix the words around a bit and modify some of it... How about '_Get on your knees, and I'll fuck your murdering ass!_'" Joker rolled back in a fit of laughter.

"I'm not going to ass…ask you again! _Get. Out!_" Bruce hissed as he chucked the clothes in his fists at the clown.

Still laughing, the Joker seemed to enjoy the clothes colliding against his face. "Oh, no. I'm staying. This is my new room."

"No, this is _mine_."

"I know. I never said you had to move out." Joker crossed his arms, giving Bruce a you're-a-dumbass look. "…Unless Mr. Billionaire wants to let everyone find out who the Batman is."

Bruce threw his arms down, letting out the most frustrated sigh. "I…Goddammit, you fucking bitch…"

After more obscenities being blurted and some pacing, Bruce finally closed his eyes and grumbled, "Fine."

"Great!" Joker jumped off the bed in sudden hyperness, no shame in nakedness.

He almost knocked down the angry Bruce as he hugged him, ruffling up his already-messy hair. Bruce was about to give Joker the punch of a lifetime when the clown suddenly darted out the bedroom door, still no clothes attached.

"_Shit!_" Bruce sprinted after the other man, but paused for a moment as his mind wandered momentarily. "Wait…did he even _bring_ clothes here?"

As the two ran around the house, Bruce noticed that the place was a mess. But at least everyone had left the previous night. Catching up to Joker, Bruce pounced like a leopard, tackling him to the carpet.

"Gotcha!" Bruce exclaimed smugly as he clung to Joker's legs. But his victory was short lived as he looked up and saw Alfred staring down at them with arms on his hips.

"Ahem." The old man gave Bruce the explain-yourself look.

"**A**_**l**__fr_ed!" Bruce's voice cracked as he quickly stood up straight. "This…this...Joker! How could you steal my clothes? I demand you to tell me where you stashed them, or I'll--"

Joker immediately played along. "_Me?_ You stole my clothes! That's why I stole yours! And you'll never get them back!"

"Damn you!" Bruce punched him in the jaw harder than necessary, smirking smugly.

Irritated, Joker tackled Bruce to the floor, throwing manic punches. Alfred rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Ahem," he interrupted once more. "What do you suppose we do with these two?"

Joker and Bruce froze to pay attention, looking at the direction Alfred was gesturing to. Crane and Harvey lay asleep, tied securely and looking as if they had more than a rough night.

"Oh, them? Yeah, they're a must on staying here with me." Joker replied with a smirk. "…That is…unless Brucey thinks that we can't stay, and his secret identity is blown as all the hard work gets wasted. Why…I think you might be ruined for…let's see…life!" He snickered, giving Bruce his sly victory grin.

As no one else responded, Joker stood up and looked at Alfred, frowning sternly. "Don't just stand there, Jeeves, go get me some Cheerios or something!"

Alfred glared defiantly at Joker, and then stuck his chin up in the air as he briskly turned and walked off, not bothering to say something.

Bruce glared daggers at the Joker, shaking in fury. "I. Hate. You. So _fucking_ much," he hissed.

Joker smiled at Bruce's response, then cuddled into him, nuzzling his chest. "I know."

* * *

**Guess who's thinking about sex...hint: It's Joker! Frickin slut.**

**...Alright, alright. It's me.  
**


	4. I Accidently the Joker

**Short chappie for the simple fact that...there is no sex! -gasp-**

**And warning: If you are very sensitive and don't like being made fun of, GTFO!**

**Written at around 1am. I got bored with all the fail.  
**

* * *

The next morning, Bruce was abruptly awakened by a hyper Joker bouncing on top of his bed, yanking the blankets off to reveal Bruce's hot bod.

"Dammit, why are you always fucking horny?" Bruce growled as he rolled to his side and curled up, keeping his eyes closed.

"Relax your dirty little perverted mind, Batsy." Joker smiled as he eyed him. "I'm only here to ask a simple question."

"You're not the Riddler. And it's…" Bruce peeked to take a glance at his alarm clock. "…6:24 in the morning…_Saturday_ morning…"

"Oh yes, an early start to make the day longer!" The Joker clapped in excitement, and then suddenly went into a serious posture. "…So… do you know what BJ stands for?" Joker said with a smirk across his face, eyeing Bruce with a hint of lust.

Bruce rolled his eyes and sighed. "…No. No. I'm not going to do it."

"Aww, come on! It's destiny! B…J… Batman and Joker! _Blowjob_ time!" Joker practically whined, hopping up and down and flailing his arms in a childlike manner.

Bruce rubbed his temples, irritated at the annoying start of the day. "You are _not_ my alarm clock…and neither is a blowjob from you…" Bruce rolled his eyes and threw himself off his bed, not in the mood to deal with the Joker's antics.

"Don't make me kick your ass!" Joker spat vehemently, crouching on the bed like he was a leopard ready to pounce.

"Don't make me suck your dick!" Bruce retorted with the same tone.

"Don't make me cuddle you like a baby!" Joker threw back at him.

"Don't make me suck your _dick!_" Bruce repeated with a more fervent tone.

"Don't make me comically interrupt the sexual tension!" yelled a voice from the doorway.

Harvey and Crane stepped into the room on cue, causing an awkward feeling in the air. The four stared at each other, eyes darting from one person to the next, not making another movement besides that. Eyes mostly loomed onto Bruce, who was the main target, being only in boxers at the moment.

Finally, Joker was the first to break the quiet tension with a boast full of eagerness. "Well I must say that it is a perfect, beautiful Saturday day! We should go on the computer!"

"I need to check my email!" Crane exclaimed.

Harvey took out his coin and flipped it, landing tails. "What the hell are we going to do on the computer _all_ day?" Harvey shook his head in disagreement.

"What's wrong with a little harmless internet fighting and porn?" Joker grinned, faking an innocent voice.

Bruce sighed and rolled his eyes, then tossed some thoughts around. "Well…I'd rather have you all inside on the internet than outside reeking havoc…So…I guess you can… But I don't want any porn or viruses on my business computer!"

"Alright, yeah, yeah. Got it, Chief." Joker saluted with a devious grin.

"If I find any porn or viruses, I'll give you a virus to hell!" Bruce threatened in his raspy Batman tone.

"Someone's not a morning person." Joker sighed, resting his arm around Bruce's shoulder. "Let's see what Jeeves has prepared for breakfast!"

Bruce shrugged off Joker's arm, pulling on a light T-shirt and pants. As he walked into the hallway, he led the other three pajama men on the long journey to the kitchen. Joker couldn't help but open one of the doors in the hallway out of curiosity, revealing some severed women nailed to the blood-stained walls.

"Mmm, I like that," Joker commented before closing the door and running to catch back up with the others.

As they entered the kitchen, they each took a seat by the glass table, the cutlery already carefully aligned perfectly with a creatively folded napkin on each plate. Joker slyly scooted his chair close to Bruce, causing a domino effect of everyone scooting away from each other. Alfred was feverishly working on all of their meals, angry all the while as he flipped the pancakes. Once the butler had finished and reluctantly served their meals, the men began to eat.

Joker quickly scarfed down the food in front of him, never really having a decent meal lately. Crane just munched quietly in a daze while Harvey flipped a coin to decide which foods to eat. Bruce ate eloquently like the billionaire he was, trying to be a good role model to the others.

"Do people take classes to learn how to set tables?" Crane randomly blurted as he stared blankly at the many different forks and spoons aligned in front of him.

Bruce facepalmed. "Just eat the goddamned food."

Once they finished their meals, Bruce led the guys to his study room where there were plenty of bookshelves crammed with interesting books. In the corner, there was a wooden desk with a laptop just waiting to be violated. Joker squealed and hopped into the chair in front of the desk, but was tackled by Crane.

"I need to check my fucking email!" the crack addict yelled as he aimed a bottle of fear toxin at the Joker.

"Relax, hun. Save that fear toxin for later," Joker teased as he sat on the carpet floor. "Now just hurry up so we can get to the…good stuff."

"Alright, alright," Crane succumbed happily as he quickly logged into his account. "Wha…Hey check out this email Bane sent me."

Everyone peered into the screen, reading the text. "_hey check out these links. They're fucking hilarious if you type your name in the search bar_" Harvey read aloud.

"Alright, let's try this out. Click the first link," Joker demanded.

Crane did as told, revealing a grayish page full of art. Mostly anime. Joker immediately laughed. "Ah…deviantart. Penguin told me about this site awhile ago, but I was too scared to actually check it out."

"Why?" Bruce gave the Joker a curious look.

"Well…let's find out. Put the setting on 'newest art' and type_ Joker Batman_," Joker said with a hint of hesitation, but still smiling.

Once the page loaded, Joker was all but smiling. "OHH GOD, WHY??" he screamed as he jumped back. Everyone else had a look of shock, as if they didn't know whether to laugh, be angry or vomit.

"Why…why would people draw animal versions of us?" Crane whispered as he cringed.

"Why are people associating me with _bacon?_" Harvey said with a puzzled look.

"And who the fuck are all these emo girls hugging us? Why would I agree to something like this and be happy?" Joker said from the back, hiding behind Bruce.

"I think you and uhh…Dani would be perfect together," Bruce chuckled.

"Fuck you!" Joker was entering rage-mode. "Click the next page before I hurl the breakfast I just ate!"

There was more badly drawn art on the next page, but also fat chicks with Joker shirts from Hot Topic and cosplayers that apparently didn't see the movie.

"The fuck is this shit? Taking a picture of yourself isn't art! This shit belongs on myspace where all the rejects go!" Joker bellowed. He was beginning to shake from anger.

"Looks like you even got the Naruto fans on you," Harvey commented as he pointed to one of the chibi Jokers. "You look very kawaii, Joker-kun!" Harvey bursted into laughter.

This was probably the first time Bruce had ever seen Joker so infuriated. The madman pounced onto the burn victim, clawing at his good face. "Don't make me burn your other half!" he yelled. "Crane, if you don't get out of that site I will cut off your crotch and use the blood as lubricant as I fuck your dead corpse!"

Crane whelped and shrunk in his seat as he closed the tab. Bruce grabbed a hold of Joker's waist and pulled him off of Harvey, keeping his grip tight until he would calm down.

"Go ahead and click the other link," Bruce suggested softly to Crane.

Crane hesitantly did so, taking them to a plain site that didn't have any pictures, just categories.

Harvey slowly got up and stared at the screen. "Oh, click our movie!"

Once they were in 'The Dark Knight' category, they glanced at the descriptions of some of the stories listed.

"Hehe…Joker Cum and Gone…" Joker said with a laugh, calming down.

Bruce shook his head. "Some of these don't even have correct grammar."

"Hahah! Hey look, Joker! Your fangirls have invaded this place too!" Crane sneered.

They skimmed some of the story summaries, Joker shaking his head all the while. "Here's the plot of all these stories," Joker stated. "Chapter 1, Joker meets some chick that is 'different than all the other girls'. Chapter 2, the girl develops a crush on Joker, but doesn't want to show her feelings. Chapter 3, the girl becomes a slut and flirts around Joker. Chapter 4, Joker doesn't kill the chick, but instead falls in love with her. Chapter 5-10, they go through a bunch of teen-angst and the chick gets knocked up. Chapter 11, someone dies. THE END!"

Bruce shrugged. "I guess that pretty much sums it up."

Joker looked down and sighed. "…I'm getting too old for all this…You know what? I'm just gonna go back to bed…I don't even feel like having sex with you, Bruce. Goodbye." With that, the clown prince stood up off the floor and began to sulk over to the door, walking back to his room.

* * *

**Way to go internet. You made the Joker depressed. Now he's gonna take sleeping pills.  
**

**Don't like it? I warned you!  
**


	5. Me, Myself, and 3 other guys

**NSFW!**

**Umm...I've been kinda lazy and braindead lately. But anyways, here's a new retarded chapter! Yay!**

**And since my sister & her family are moving in with me, I'll have to lay low from now on. :(**

**But eh, gonna watch TDK in Imax again next Saturday! :D Stupid Slumdog Millionaire. TDK should be all over that Oscar Best Picture!  
**

* * *

The Joker curled into a ball on his bed, sobbing his eyes out as he buried his face in his arms. Harvey slowly creaked the door open and walked in, a look of sympathy and burnt-ness on his face.

"Come on, J-man…You can't let a bunch of fangirls do this to you," Harvey said softly as he put a hand on Joker's shoulder.

"Go away!" Joker whimpered between sobs. "You don't know what it's like to be the Zac Efron of the year! The fans claw all over you until there's nothing left and then move on to the next one!"

"Well…yeah. That's what fans do. Obsess over the new fad until it's all used up, and then get over it and go to the next new cool thing. You just happened to be the sexy, psycho clown fad."

Joker looked up and glared at Two-Face with red puffy eyes. "You're not helping…" he hissed.

Two-Face just smiled, the urge of revenge taking over. "Aw look at chu…Your eyes are all swollen and your make-up got all screwed up. Girl, are we gonna have to give you another make-over?"

Joker's eyes narrowed, hate radiating through his shaking body and clenched fists. "I'm gonna-"

"Alright, Plan B!" Harvey suddenly shouted.

Joker gazed at Harvey with a confused look until some noises turned his focus to his door. He could hear Bruce and Crane mumbling just outside his door, their voices sharp as if they were arguing about something.

"I said Plan B!" Harvey shouted with more force and anger.

There was a lot of struggling, but Bruce was eventually pushed into the room by Crane, both having looks of anger and frustration. Bruce was wearing a surprisingly fancy tuxedo, his brown hair gelled back and wearing expensive shoes.

"Just do it!" Crane whispered loudly to Bruce.

Bruce sighed deeply to release his remaining anger, then walked closer to the Joker, who was suddenly lightened up with assumptions of what was to come. Crane held a boom box, pressing play to start some music.

Bruce wore the most charming smile that he could do at the moment, singing softly as he looked at the Joker. "You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off you. You'd be like Heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much. At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I'm alive. You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off you."

Joker was practically orgasming on site, too shocked for words. He couldn't even believe that this was real, especially when the trumpet solo came, and Bruce started to dance in a silly manner. Then Bruce ran towards the Joker, sliding on his knees to a stop right before Joker's crotch.

"I love you, baby! And if it's quite alright, I need you, baby, to warm a lonely night. I love you, baby. Trust in me when I say: Oh, pretty baby, don't bring me down, I pray. Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay..."

Joker couldn't just sit there, dream or not. He fell into Bruce, embracing him in a passionate kiss. Once their lips broke, both had a look in their eyes that said more than love.

"Feeling better?" Bruce asked to break the silence.

"Not…yet," Joker teased as he stroked his fingers through Bruce's hair.

A subtle cough was heard from the side. Bruce and Joker looked over, and they suddenly remembered about Harvey and Crane.

"God…" Joker gave them a furious snarl, nails digging into Bruce's back. "Why do you two always have to be the mood killers?"

Harvey and Crane gazed blankly at the Joker, then each other, and then the Joker again. "No, we don't want to be mood killers anymore. We want to join in," Harvey said in a low voice.

Bruce immediately objected. "Ohh no! There are going to be _no_ orgies in _my_ home!"

Joker loved to do everything Bruce didn't, so he happily agreed to the idea. "Sounds great! Right now, let's do it!"

As much as Bruce denied it to himself, he had to admit that his sex life hasn't been good for a long time. Ever since he started becoming Batman, the only sex he started getting was when Joker would provide it. And having an orgy was something that he hasn't done in awhile. "…Alright," Bruce succumbed. "On your knees, Joker."

"Whatever you say, Master," Joker whispered seductively into Bruce's ear before sliding off him and positioning himself on the floor correctly. His cock throbbed in anticipation.

Harvey walked over with a half smile, stopping right behind Joker's ass and unzipping his jeans. "Ever since you did this to my face and killed my girl, my sex life has been horrible." Harvey started to spread out Joker's butt cheeks. "Just call this some payback."

"Wha…wait. I'm not going to be gang-banged tonight! I need to dominate over something here!" Joker protested. Being dominated by someone other than Batman just didn't feel right to him. Especially if it was by someone who he had already defeated before.

"That's why we have Crane," Harvey answered simply, gesturing for Crane to walk over.

Dr. Crane crawled underneath the Joker, nuzzling against his chest for warmth. "Yeah…"

Crane slowly unzipped Joker's pants and began to stroke Joker's swollen cock before taking it in his mouth. As Joker moaned in pleasure, he felt a penetration in his ass as Harvey began to thrust inside him. Joker arched back, looking up at Bruce standing in front of him. "Wh…Why aren't you do…doing anything?" Joker panted.

Bruce smirked and slowly undid his pants. "You get the best for last." With that, he aimed his dick in front of the Joker's willing face. "And you did say that you wanted some BJ."

"BJ it is, then…" Joker breathed as he licked Bruce's sensitive tip before taking the length in. Bruce held onto the Joker's tangled hair and guided him on, closing his eyes and leaning his head back.

The only sounds were the moans and groans of the four men and the friction from their bodies. Joker clung onto Bruce's leg for support from the overwhelming pleasure, shivers running through his body as he felt the thrill coursing through him.

Harvey closed his eyes and began to thrust faster, feeling the ecstasy that he missed for so long. "Uhhnn…Rachel…Rachel…" he began to moan, imagining his sweet girl.

Joker paused sucking for a second, about to protest, but was too overcome in bliss that he just proceeded to give Bruce what he wanted. Bruce tried to imagine Rachel, but the sick feeling of sadness started to return. He forced Joker to move faster to brush the feeling away, and it was working splendidly.

Crane was doing a master job at sucking Joker's cock, having done it a lot of times with other people. He would swirl his tongue for a moment, then bob in different rhythms just to tease, and occasionally graze his teeth lightly for emphasis.

Joker came quickly due to the multiplied amount of pleasure, coming inside Crane's mouth. Crane obediently swallowed and licked the rest of the excess, running his hands up and down Joker's thigh to end his turn sweetly.

Harvey yelled out, "RACHUULL!!" as he came, screaming in full release from the sex he missed so much. Tears streamed down his grim face as he realized who he just fucked.

"Suck it up, baconface," Crane sneered before turning over to watch Joker finish up.

Joker moved his head gracefully back and forth in a languid rhythm, teasing Bruce by going so slow. "Come on, Joker…pick up the pace…" the clown heard Bruce hiss as his head was pushed in further.

When Joker refused, Bruce held tighter to the Joker's mangled hair, shoving him in to deep throat his length. Joker nearly gagged, but obediently took it in. He suddenly started to move as fast as he could without transition, overwhelming Bruce in the process. Moving in such velocity while grazing his teeth along the length made Bruce cry out in pleasurable pain. Finally, he couldn't take it and came into the Joker's anticipating mouth. The madman moaned as he licked off all the excess, savoring Bruce's sweet taste.

Everyone stood there, panting and staring at each other in an awkward silence. Harvey wiped off his tears and coughed. "So…what now?"

Joker zipped his pants back up and sat in a comfortable position, still clinging to Bruce's leg. "Well...I'm still hungry. Let's go out to a fancy dinner! Surely, ol' Billionaire Playboy over here can hit us up."

Bruce looked down at the madman in disapproval. "Oh sure, let's have the richest guy in Gotham take 3 wanted criminals out to dinner! Sounds great," he spat in sarcasm.

Joker shrugged. "It doesn't have to be in Gotham. Let's go to Hawaii or something."

"I've never been to Hawaii!" Crane smiled giddily. "…Well maybe a few times in drag, but it's not the same as the real deal!"

"No!" Bruce bellowed. "No more random adventures! I want you all _out_!"

"Yeah!" Joker agreed. "That's what we're talking about, genius! Hawaii!"

"All three of you can go to Hawaii for all I care, but I'm. Not. Going." Bruce crossed his arms. "I have a city to watch over."

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**Ohhh what's goin on? =o**


	6. Don't Just Stare At It! Eat It!

**I would say "sorry for the wait" but I'm just not that nice.**

**Instead, I say "read and review!!" So do it faggot! Oh that's right...reverse psychology... **

**Enjoy this nice long chapter!  
**

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Joker clung onto Bruce's pants, shaking him back and forth. "Come _on_! HAWAIIII!!!"

Bruce grasped the Joker's forearms to get him to stop shaking him. "No. That's final. If you want to go out, tough luck. If I'm seen anywhere with you 3, it's over for Bruce Wayne and Batman."

"Uhh DURRR!!!" the three amigos spat.

"Well then I'm not doing it!" Bruce raised his chin in defiance.

Ideas and plans spun around in the Joker's mind as he tried to think up of a solution. "Well what if people don't know it's us? We can wear disguises!"

"Hmm..." Bruce could already imagine all of the horrible mishaps of that happening. "No."

"What? That's a perfect idea!" Crane exclaimed. "Surely, a person of your status has enough money to get a few more tuxedos."

Bruce could feel himself getting trapped into doing their biddings again. "Yeah...but...What about Joker's scars? How can we cover that up?"

"I don't know, look up some scar concealing cream on Google or something," Crane stated as he took out a joint.

Bruce rolled his eyes. "Alright!" He would succumb, but not completely. He needed to have some control in this. "But Hawaii is out of the question. We're not going. And that's final."

"Whaaaaat?" the other men whined in unison.

"We're staying in Gotham," Bruce demanded. "But...if you guys _really_ wanna go out, we can...go to I don't know…Dorsia or something."

"Ohhhh, nice choice!" Joker cooed. "Let's do it tonight!"

"Yeah, I love Dorsia," Harvey agreed.

"I'm in!" Crane squealed. "Best place ever!"

So Bruce ended up buying some expensive make-up that would cover the scars efficiently, called Dermablend. He was nervous and hating himself for agreeing, but in the back of his mind, he was actually enthusiastic about going to Dorsia. After all, it is his favourite restaurant. Knowing the three villains pretty well, he knew that they wouldn't do anything there that would ruin their idea of fun, so it all worked out. At least, that's how Bruce was trying to picture the scenario. He was feeling surprisingly optimistic about this one.

"We should be ready to go in about 5 minutes," Bruce stated placidly as he walked into his room to find the others trying on some of the tuxedos.

The Joker actually looked pretty high class, besides the glaring eyes with dark circles underneath. The Dermacolor used to cover the scars worked wonders, leaving smooth skin as if there was nothing to conceal. His brown hair was slicked back with gel, and Bruce's tux was a little bigger than his skinny figure, making him look hilarious to try the suit on.

"Wow..." Bruce was in awe. There wasn't much to say except that.

"Pftt...I hate this!" Joker growled in disgust as he scratched at his cheeks like a mangy dog.

Bruce couldn't help but sneer at Joker's misery. "Well you asked for all this. You can't always get everything you want to be perfect."

"Trust me, I _know_," the crazed clown retaliated. "You should know that as well." He grinned, hinting at something Bruce didn't quite understand.

Bruce threw away the conversation, turning to face the other two. Crane fitted the outfit even less than Joker, but Harvey fit the suit perfectly. Harvey adjusted the tie and grinned at Bruce. "Well...How do I look?"

Bruce gazed up his body slowly, causing a jealous glare from Joker at the side. "Horrible, except for my tux," he finally said with a smirk.

Joker grinned at Bruce's offensive words, jealousy leaving his body through a sigh of relief. If those other two even think about getting to Bruce, then they would pay more dearly than a hobo.

"Go borrow some of Joker's Dermablend cream," Bruce suggested to Harvey.

Harvey scowled and headed to the bathroom, while Joker stood at Bruce's side, laughing. "Niiice, Batsy. Ever since I moved in, you're becoming more like me than before!"

"Shut up! I'm nothing like you! You're a fucking CLOWN!"

"Well you're a fucking BAT!"

"...Touche."

"Heh..." Joker sneered.

Suddenly a voice was heard from the doorway, an old old old voice. "Master Bruce, your limousine has arrived. Are you ready?"

"Yeah, just give us a moment, Alfred. Thanks," Bruce smiled genuinely at his father figure.

"Yes, Sir," Alfred nodded and walked out.

A few minutes later, Harvey walked out of the bathroom. The cream couldn't cover up his eye, and his head basically looked like someone used a vacuum on just his left side. Harvey frowned at the result, but it was the best he could do.

"Ooookay, you are _not_ going out like that, Harv," Joker commented as he laughed heartily.

"Shut up, asshole!" Harvey yelled.

"Sorry, Harvey, but I don't think you can go out in Gotham, anyways," Bruce said calmly, agreeing with Joker. "Everyone thinks you're dead, remember?"

Harvey threw up his hands in anger, "Fuck everyone! I haven't been in public in a year! I don't give a flying shit if people find out!" He clawed off the cream in his rage.

Bruce sighed, shrugging his shoulders as he began to walk out the door. "Alright, that's your choice. Now let's go. We're going to be late."

The other three adjusted their clothes to make sure they were perfect before following the playboy. They all climbed into the limousine, Joker squeezing his way next to Bruce while Harvey and Crane sat across from them. At this point, Bruce was used to all the flirting. He ignored the madman's constant touches and stared at all of them in seriousness.

"Okay, so let's decide what we're all doing together like this…" Bruce had to think of a good alibi. "Crane, you and I could be discussing…"

"Drugs!" Crane exclaimed.

"…No. Discussing about Arkham or something. Joker, your name will be…Joe. And you're an old college friend from Chicago staying with me. Got it?"

"Oooh, Joe! Clever," Joker spat in sarcasm. "I like the name Steve."

Bruce sighed. "Alright, _Steve._ Now, Harvey…How are we going to get you in without being noticed? I mean, come on. Look at your face…No offense."

Harvey snarled at his remark. "I told you! I don't give a fuck what everyone will say! I just want my old life back!"

"Alright, so be it." Bruce shrugged nonchalantly.

The driver slowed to a stop in front of Dorsia and opened the door for them to get the fuck out.

"Thank you," Bruce said with a smile. "We'll call when we need you to pick us up."

The driver nodded and got back into the limo, speeding off. The men didn't even get a chance to take a step when suddenly someone cried out, "Holy shit, it's Harvey Dent!!!" Heads turned, gasps were heard, and some other retarded noises in the background as well as an orgasm. Harvey was immediately drowning in a pool of people, reaching out for help. Bruce and Joker just laughed.

"Sorry, but you had this coming!" Bruce hollered.

"Yeah, tough luck, dumbass!" Joker chided as they walked inside.

Crane looked kind of pissed and paranoid, jerking his head to try and see Harvey.

"Relaaax, muchacho!" Joker slapped Crane flat on the back. "Your boyfriend will be fine!"

"No, it's not that!" Crane suddenly burst out. "I can't let that Two-Assed-Face take all the spotlight of tomorrow's newspaper!" And then he just took off into the crowd.

"Heh, well I guess that takes care of those two…" Joker muttered.

Bruce gave him a weird look. "Dammit, I'm stuck with you again? Jesus, did you pay those two to leave or something?"

"Nope, it was just fate!" Joker snickered as he latched onto his arm.

Bruce pushed him away, feeling eyes staring at him already. "Don't make a scene, _Steve_."

"Ah, Mr. Bruce Wayne," the hostess called out with a big grin. "Your table for four?"

"Actually, it's just two now," Joker answered for the billionaire.

"Alright, Sirs, this way please," she stated as she grabbed some menus and led them to a private room on the second floor.

"Wow! I didn't even know this place was available!" Joker exclaimed as he stared at the fancy surroundings in awe.

"Yes, this is Bruce Wayne's private dinner room he asked to be added," the hostess informed. "I'm guessing he never showed this to many people." She giggled.

"Yeah, well I didn't have this room built just for anyone to use," Bruce said as he laughed along.

"Heheh, alright, your waitress shall be with you soon," she added before putting down the menus and walking away.

"Well I must say that this place is very nice," Joker commented, proceeding to look at the decorations. "And also romantic," he added.

Bruce could see his eyes lighting up brighter than the chandelier above. _Uh-oh…_ "Yeah, well it's not supposed to be. It's just a quiet place to talk with other businessmen about company issues while eating a fancy dinner. _Not_ for dates." Bruce's eyes narrowed as a warning.

"Getting all worked up _again,_ Brucey? This relationship is not going to work out if you keep acting this way!" Joker crossed his arms in distaste.

"Hilarious." Bruce scowled. "Now will you just stop with the jokes for one night so I can at least enjoy my meal?"

"There you go again! Ugh, this is so typical!" Joker rolled his eyes.

Footsteps were heard as another young lady walked up to their table. "Hello, I am Stacey, and I will be your server this evening, Mr. Wayne and um…"

"My friend Steve," Bruce blurted. "He's an old colleague visiting from Chicago."

"Oh, well it's nice to meet you Steve," she said kindly. "Now may I offer you gentlemen some drinks?"

"Just leave a bottle of red wine," Bruce replied.

"Yes, Sir. I will right on that," the waitress assured as she walked back out.

"God, I hate how fake those people are," Joker commented as he watched her leave. "May I take your order? Would you like something to drink?" he imitated in a high-pitched voice. "And that God-awful fake smile! At least smile like you mean it!"

Bruce grinned. "Now who's getting all worked up? Besides, it's their job to do that. They get paid for putting on smiles and serving people."

"How come I don't get paid then?" Joker crossed his arms again as he pouted.

"Because your idea of smiles and service are different than that of everyone else in the world." Bruce shook his head.

"Not yours," Joker hinted with a smirk.

The waitress came back with a bottle of wine, carefully pouring the red liquid into their clear glasses. "Now are you ready to order?"

"Uh, yes. I'll just have my usual order," Bruce answered.

"Alright." She scribbled down into her little notepad. "And you, Sir?"

"Hm…" _Batboy didn't even give me a chance to look at the menu. _"Rib-eye steak. Rare," Joker demanded. Hopefully it would be vague enough.

"Okay, and would you like the mashed potatoes on the side and gravy?" the waitress filled in the blanks of the rest of the order.

"Yeah, sure, thanks," Joker uttered quickly. _Hurry up, Lady! Get out so me and Brucey can spend some quality time!_

Joker didn't really care for the meal. In fact, he wasn't really that hungry. His only focus was Bruce once again. The waitress gave Joker an offensive look before walking off, wondering what the guy's problem was.

Bruce eyed the Joker angrily. "What was that all about? Can't you just _try_ not to act like your crazy self for _one_ hour?"

"Nope." Joker stuck out his chin. "It's what defines me. I'm iconic when it comes to crazy! You're iconic when it comes to angry moodiness." He laughed.

"Well…" Bruce rubbed his temples in thought. He knew he was right, despite the way he put it. "How about if you don't act like yourself for just tonight, I won't act all angry. But this is just for _tonight._ Deal?"

Joker shrugged with a smirk. "I can't see why not."

"Alright," Bruce put on his best smile. "Toast."

They lifted up their wine glasses and toasted, drinking half of the cup. Just then, the waitress came back with their food.

"Enjoy," she said, setting down the plates of steaming hot food and walking away happily.

Bruce had some sea urchin ceviche with pork loin. He cut his meat so perfectly, making Joker want to be that piece of pork going into Bruce's mouth. Bruce noticed Joker's look while wiping his mouth sexily.

"What?" Bruce questioned after swallowing.

"Nothing, just enjoying the view," Joker laughed.

"Well aren't you going to eat your meal?" Bruce pointed his dinner fork at Joker's steak.

"Alright, fine." Joker was tempted to tear at the meat like a mangy wolf, but remembered Bruce's words. He didn't want to ruin the night for either of them.

Bruce was surprised to see the Joker actually attempting to eat in a civilized manner. Although he had quite a bit of trouble cutting the meat and ended up stabbing it instead. Joker growled in disappointment and looked up at Bruce. "What?" he snapped. "Now look who's staring."

Bruce laughed. "Here." He leaned over and cut the meat. "Better?"

"Eh…" Joker averted his eyes. "So…" He had to find something to talk about that wasn't implying anything evil or sex-related…which was hard for him. "Obama, huh? What do you think of him?"

Bruce chuckled. "I think he's what our country needs. But it's going to take a lot to stabilize the economy fully, and he can't do it all in one term. He's in for a lot of heat in the next few years."

"Really?" _God, this is so boring. _"I think he's a dictator just waiting to emerge, plunging the United States into chaos and self-destruction!"

"…So you like him, huh?" Bruce spoke after eating another piece of pork.

"Yeah, I think he's great," Joker said, imitating Bruce by eating a piece of his own steak.

The rest of the night went alright, aside from the awkward conversations. Bruce paid the check, and they walked out of the restaurant, full and satisfied.

"I thought that was really nice," Joker whispered as he clung onto Bruce.

"I thought that was really cliché," Bruce said as he pushed him away. "And you're not adhering to the deal, Jo---Steve."

"Deal's off, Hot Pants," Joker declared, clinging onto him once again.

Bruce sighed as he led them down into an emptier street where the feeling of paranoia lessened. "Alright, so that means I still get to be ol' angry Bruce."

"And I get to be ambiguously crazy, gay Joker!" Joker exclaimed as he leaped up into the air.

"Yeah…" Bruce sighed, shaking his head.

Without warning, Joker practically pounced into Bruce, kissing his lips hungrily, as if the dinner wasn't sufficient for him. Bruce saw this coming, but returned the kiss as a thank you. Bruce survived the night without any threats or revelations of identities. Well, besides Harvey and Crane.

"Wha…Wait…" Bruce breathed after breaking the kiss. "What about Harvey and Crane?"

Joker looked up angrily. "Oh screw them! It's just you and me now, Brucey."

And with that, Joker kissed him once again, causing Bruce not to notice the Bat signal glowing dimly in the cloudy sky.

* * *

**Idk if this chapter was boring to you, but that depends on your attention span.**

**Points if you catch the Slipping into Entropy references! :D**

**Points for what, you say? Bragging points, that's what!  
**


	7. Who Fans the Fangirls?

**I'm still alive??? Holy crap, I haven't updated this thing for yeaarz!**

**Hahah, well here's a short crappy chapter for you to eat up and review.**

* * *

The next morning, Bruce woke to find Joker crying at his bedside.

Bruce rubbed his eyes, not sure if this was reality or fanfiction. "Joker? What's wrong?"

Joker looked up at his partner, mucus and tears smeared all over his pretty face. "It's…It's just…Well…Oh, God! I can't deal with all this _crap_ anymore!" (Emphasis on vulgar language adds drama FYI)

"What crap? Did you clog the toilet again, lulz?" Bruce said as he sat up.

"…No, it's not that! …I think the fandom's fallen!" Joker finally burst out. "We are last year's news! Now there's only the shitfests of Twilight: New Moon and Watchmen, while our fandom is just a bucket of piss left over from a drunken old man five years ago! I mean, all the really awesome artists just stopped with the Batman art."

Bruce rubbed Joker's back for comfort. "Relax. You're just overreacting. Besides, I'm sure the Batman: Arkham Asylum video game will do us justice. Now stop being such a fag."

"Heheh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Joker wiped some of the excess fluids off his face and sniffed. "…But it's just. We don't get anymore fanmail! I probably won't even be in the next Batman movie! Stupid Heath! I bet he's laughing his ass off in heaven. He's probably all like 'Hahaha, good luck living without your Heathus muther f*ckers!!'"

"Okay, okay. Calm down. How about a…nice…big…breakfast to make you feel better," Bruce said sympathetically.

"Well…I was hoping for make-up sex, but okay."

Meanwhilez…

Two stunning ladies strolled along the streets of Gotham. They were identical twins, both with long, silky blonde hair.

"Come on, Mary. Let's give our cousin Brucey a nice family visit," one of them said in a voluptuous voice.

"You got it, sis," the other replied with a smirk.

Back at Wayne Manorrrrr…

"So…about that make-up sex…" Bruce whispered with a devilish grin.

"Finally, took you long enough…" Joker complained, eyes showing he was ready.

Joker sauntered slowly towards Bruce's room. "Lemme go get that dress you bought."

He opened the door to find two women leaning against the doorframe.

"Ah! What the hell?" Joker yelped as he jumped back in shock.

"You don't remember us, Brucey?" the girls said in unison.

Bruce stared back at them in confusion. "Remember? I have never seen you two ladies before!"

"How could you forget your twin cousins? We're Mary and Sue!"

Joker's eyes widened in realization. "My God...Bruce! We gotta get out of here! It's attack of the fangirls!"

The two men began to run down the hallway as fast as they could, opening the door to one of the main living rooms. But the two girls just stood waiting there.

"I can heal your scars, Jokeyyy!!" Sue said in a loving voice.

"No, fuck you!" Joker spat as he threw a knife at her.

Sue reached over at the knife, completely unaware of the blood gushing out of her arm. "ZOMFG I got the Joker's knife!!!1"

As Joker and Bruce proceeded to run, Joker looked back at the girls with a puzzled look.

"How come that knife isn't slowing that stupid chick down?"

"They're fangirls, remember? Nothing can slow them down. Come on, let's just get the Batmobile."

When they reached the Batcave and opened up the Batmobile, the girls were already inside.

"Holy fucking shit, why does this keep happening?" Joker cried out, ready to blow their heads off.

"You asked for us, Joker," Mary said simply. "Our fangirl senses felt that you were calling for us."

"FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUU-" Joker took out his gun, aiming it at the two.

Bruce grabbed onto Joker's arm. "Joker, don't! I can't let you kill."

"Oh please? It's for the good of the world out of the kindness of my heart!" Joker said with a smile.

"Ooohhh, yay! He does have a soul! I told ya, Mary!!" Sue screeched.

Bruce sighed. "On second though, go ahead."

Joker stopped before pulling the trigger. "Hold the phone…I have another idea…"

The next morning…

Bruce read the paper with delight. "Hey Joker, check this out from the headlines this morning: _**Two girls committed suicide because of claim that Joker would not kill them.**_"

Joker grinned with pure satisfaction. "I knew not killing them would be more advantageous. They really provide a good laugh once dead."

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**BTW, Watchmen is awesome. Nuff sed. Mary Sues, however suck. And yet they are EVERYWHERE!!! Watch your back.**


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